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Confused.
Friday, May 21, 2010 @ 4:35 PM
This may be confusing as “you” refers to different people at different times. There are so many things I want to say, to do, to feel. Yesterday was painful. I fell down the stairs and hurt my ankle. Gosh it hurts, but not as much as wounds of the heart. After comforting a friend I revealed to her, for the very first time what I went through, all the pain and suffering came back at me. Can time really heal wounds of the heart? Why after so long it still hurt? I thought I had gotten over it, though I was wrong. Another thing that seem clear yesterday was that I was naive enough to believe that someone could replace you. Maybe they brought happiness to me but the feeling is different. I can’t explain it. I feel like a mess, a mix of unclear emotions. I want to hate you, to get away from you, but why, why when I’m hurt you give me that look. That look that shows that you care, I know you tired to avoid it but do you think I’ve known you for this long and not know when you look at me? I could see it and feel it in every cell in my body that you wanted to stand next to me and ask if I was alright. Don’t try to deny it, you and I both know that you can’t help but care for me, it’s within you. I should be happy, for so long I wanted you to show that, but why now, when I want to be rid of you, to find my own happiness that you give me something I longed for and desired. Do you want to torture me even now? When I sat there and talked to her, the wonderful memories of us came rushing back, and with it came the betrayal, hurt and heartbreak I tried so hard to forget. There were times that I looked out into storming rains from my windows, praying, hoping that as the rain drops fell, it would take with it my sorrow, my grief. My mix of emotions and feelings for you are stronger than before, the ,love, happiness and joy you brought to my life as well as the growth I got out of the heart break and tears. I really don’t know how we could ever face each other again. You along with others are people that I discovered cared for me and treated me like a princess. I enjoy all of your presences; I could be me, and most of all I could forget about him. You all make me feel happy and for the first time in my life I enjoyed a silence. I hate silence; it gives me time to think about the bad things in life and time for my wounds to resurface. Though with you I can sit in silence as no words are needed to describe the peace I felt. Anyone of you would be someone I would love to be with, though I can tell that my feelings towards you are those of close, intimate friendship. But, maybe that’s the exact reason that we would be perfect for each other. Either way, I’m glad all of you are in my life and I guess I have no choice but to see where we lead. As happy as I may feel right now, a shadow of sorrow is always lingering. I feel helpless, weak, that maybe I’ll fall victim to my feelings again. But most of all I feel alone. Will someone be around for me to lean on? Will I heal? Will time be the answer to all my heart’s troubles? I can only wait and see. xoxo -plenty of love- LilMiSsPeRcTiOn |