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Hello. You landed at http://lilmissperfection.blogspot.com.au/ and you probably know that already. DON'T copy/rip/steal anything here, mess my tagboard with nonsense/spam (if you do I'll ban you. OR I WOULD MESS YOURS AS WELL >:-DDD) DO drop a tag, follow my blog, follow me on Twitter. Jokes, I don't have twitter:D ENJOY! Thanks much ;D |
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Lost
Sunday, March 28, 2010 @ 11:37 AM
Recently I have discovered something that I didn't notice until now. It might have happened a long time ago but I never realised. So many changes, but most of all, me. I realised that I'm no longer me. I've become an ordinary...girl. I never needed anyone, not someone to talk to or understand me. I was so good at hiding myself from others, nobody knew "me". There was a moment in time that I was afraid of the person I had become. I felt I was heartless, almost cruel, though now when I look back, it doesn't bother me. I liked the "me" then, back then I didn't have anyone's feelings to consider, and I was free to do as I pleased because I had nothing to lose, and I wasn't afraid to lose anything. It was just so easy, when you didn't care, I didn't need others but they needed me. The feeling was satisfactory. I felt life had been so easy. Though, that has changed. I'm not that person, I've become a girl, someone who can cry, I could never do so before no matter how hurt I was. Now, it just happens. And I don't like it. For once, I open myself completely, well as much as I could ever open up to another human being. And the nightmare begins. I actually need someone. I hate that feeling. It means I could be hurt and I have been hurt. This is not the life that I want. I want to not care, I want to not give a damn. But its too late now right? If I knew from the start that revealing myself would put me in the position to be hurt, believe me not in a million lifetimes would I have said the very first word to you. I miss the person I was, even if it was an outer bravado, I was strong and I liked it. I hate the feeling of being weak, it's just not who I am. And even if I have to force myself I will become the person I once was, someone who didn't have a worry in the world. I thought, finally I didn't have to walk the path of life by myself, that I had found a life long friend that would support me and let me reveal all and for once in my life be completely honest. I guess those types of friends don't exist, or I simply chose the wrong person. But right now, I'd much rather walk life alone. That way at least I won't be hurt. But be assured, I still want to have you as a friend, and I'm sure you will be there for me and care about me, but I will never reveal my true self again. For I have endured enough heart ache for a lifetime. All I want is peace, we will be friends, though the kind that waves and says "hi" when we see each other in the street. If it becomes more than that so be it and I will gratefully accept it, being good friends, but I will never be the person I was when I typed this. I deserve to be happy and I am sure you will be part of my happiness, but you will no longer define it. This I promise. xoxo Me. Boredom
Friday, March 26, 2010 @ 9:55 PM
It's been a while since my last post. I really have to get into a habit of this or i will soon give up. You see I am not a very bothered person. I had just finished reading the last 100 or so pages of Fallen in under an hour. So proud of myself. Though, after it my heart was beating so fast that I decided to take my blood pressure(thank you work experience) and it was normal but my pulse was wayyy too fast to be normal. Oh well. In the past weeks or so I've had ups and downs. Too many I would say. Though in the last 5 days I was in a state of very volatile moods. I recall just crying for some unknown reason, its not like someone pissed me off, I was just crying like a lunatic. Then today I was complaining, about... everything! Though usually when these moments come around I am usually experiencing something only related to girls and I'm sick at the same time. Though I felt better after i subconciously texted someone. After reading Fallen, I had this bubbly, lovey feeling. It was weird, I don't usually feel that way. But for the rest of the day I actually felt good. I felt like everything is gonna be alright. For so long, I was unsure about the future and what it would hold for me, though just after reading that book, all my worries are still there though they have become insignificant thoughts that now reside at the back of my mind. Instead, taking their place is a new found confidence, a flood of memories and a really good feeling. I hope this will continue, this new feeling of satisafaction. Though its not only the book that made me feel this way. Who ever said memories were a powerful asset was right. They lift my spirit and I guess made me look forward to the future, if the past was good, there must be something worthwhile down the road. Well thats enough of my volatile bipolar. It seems I've never written a post like this one. Note that this is a one off thing. So hang tight and wait for my next post. I'll try to write one before the century ends. No promises though. xoxo -plenty of Love- LilMiSsPeRfEcTiOn |