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Hello. You landed at http://lilmissperfection.blogspot.com.au/ and you probably know that already. DON'T copy/rip/steal anything here, mess my tagboard with nonsense/spam (if you do I'll ban you. OR I WOULD MESS YOURS AS WELL >:-DDD) DO drop a tag, follow my blog, follow me on Twitter. Jokes, I don't have twitter:D ENJOY! Thanks much ;D |
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Wednesday, August 18, 2010 @ 6:14 PM
I never thought I would say this but, I want to move schools. – Will you support the weight of my world once more? This was my pm yesterday. In the past 48 hours so much has happened. It’s probably the longest 2days that I’ve endured. There were moments when I truly felt myself suffocating under the weight of my crumbling world and there were glimpses of sunshine through the dark clouds. I have to admit I don’t feel like I’m suffocating anymore but I wouldn’t say I’m happy as hell. There are just some things I want to say to people so here goes. 1. You. You surprise me with how much you notice. To me you’re like the kind person who’d help someone pick up their things when they trip. I’m grateful that you of all people sensed that I was unhappy and held out a hand. Sitting next to you, I can’t help but feel the warm and energy that radiates from you. You always treat me well and make me smile. There is never pressure spending time with you, everything seems smooth and effortless. Thank you for your kind gesture. 2. I wanted to say this to you before but never got the chance. See, I don’t know you that well but I admire you. You seem so carefree and happy, looking at you I wonder if there will be a day I find that sort of happiness. I believe you deserve all you are getting which makes looking at it unbearable. What I don’t understand is why, did you change do suddenly, you know your change is the real reason my last 2 days have been horrible, because as soon as you changed I felt others did too. But I guess I assumed wrongly, and I’m glad it has been resolved. I wish you all the happiness in the world because you hell as deserve it. 3. You’re a mystery to me, I believe you mean well but I don’t feel I would ever be able to let you in. I’ve become accustomed to draw up barriers at any sign of fear and potential hurt and I sense that you do too. Maybe that’s the only problem with us. Nevertheless I find you compelling, understanding, caring and a great friend. I just hope we can get to know each other without those barriers and one day we can let each other in. 4. I love you. You know that right? I feel the nature of our relationship is changing, for the better. We were selfish. But now I feel satisfaction in seeing you happy and I guess that’s enough. I guess I didn’t know how to believe in you, but as our relationship becomes intangible I’ve learnt to trust you and myself even more. Someone once asked if I miss you. I would answer yes, I miss always being around you and doing things with you but I don’t miss YOU because to miss something or someone we must not have them in our possession. I never lost you so therefore I can’t miss you. From you I’ve learnt so much. I’ve learnt to forgive and overlook things because I know I would do the same. The more it seems, that our relationship becomes intangible the stronger our bond becomes and the calmer we are with each other. I just hope that you and I will recover from our own wounds and wounds we caused to each other and as a result we will become closer and more truthful with each other. 5. I don’t know how much of this I mean. I don’t understand you at all. And I don’t understand why I would let myself be hurt because of you. I tried to show you that I’m there but when I do you decide to turn away. It’s not like I don’t care about you but there are so many things that go wrong in people’s lives. Ask yourself, do I really look perfect? If I were prefect why did I let my bond with someone l cared about so much to strain to breaking point? If I were perfect then why do I constantly feel like no one understands me? If I’m perfect why did – not chose me? If I were perfect why did my own father chose someone over me? Can’t answer it? Then don’t pretend that you know anything about me. Instead of turning away and talking to others and adding to my growing list of problems have you ever thought of asking me? NO? You frustrate me to my wits end. Like I said it’s not like I don’t care about you, I do but there comes a point when you just can’t give a damn anymore, when you’re so pissed off that you want to be rid of something coz you think it will be better than trying to solve it. That’s how I feel. If you considered me as a friend then voice your problems, comments and anything else to me, not someone else. If you still don’t want to let me warn you, I’m at my wits end and anymore frustration is gonna drive me insane. Someone told me to talk it out. This is me trying and you need to get up off your arse and do something if you give a damn. That’s putting it bluntly. xoxo Epiphany
Friday, August 13, 2010 @ 8:02 PM
Since the beginning of term once again my life has been a rollercoaster of emotions and so has everyone else. Everywhere I look; it seems there is someone upset about something. There seems to be no joy in life, before, even when I was unhappy, seeing others laugh and joining in with them became a good distraction, a way to distance myself from those thoughts until I was calm enough to deal with them head on. As I sit there in the moving car I begin to question it. Why am I unhappy? Is it because I want something and cannot have it? Or is it because I just want more of what I already have? To be perfectly honest I have absolutely no idea. What I do know is I feel stupid to dwell on negative feelings. I’m sick of always feeling sad and making my closest friends worries about me. They shouldn’t have to think about it and I shouldn’t have to either. I always knew life was never fair, I couldn’t have everything. But it never stopped me from chasing perfection. And success in other areas like academics cemented the thought that if I try hard enough I’ll reach it. But love, how much someone cares about you and friendship isn’t like a report – excuse the bad analogy – just because you put hours, days, months, years or sometimes a life time into it, doesn’t mean you’re going to get a good result, or one at all for that matter. I feel that instead of being unhappy for what I don’t have I should look at myself and be grateful for what I do have. I have a best friend that’s endured my rants and emotional rollercoaster’s and has been there to listen to me and slap me in the face when the situation called for it. I have a bunch of close friends that are caring and almost on call in case I decide to have a break down, I have someone that fully let me into their heart, loved me regardless of my flaws and made my life pretty darn close to perfection. I have an awesome mum that supports me in everything I choose to do – though it helps that the subjects I chose for next year are the ones she wanted :) and I have countless others that do not hesitate to run to my side if I needed them. Aside from that, my grades are to mine and my mum’s liking, I’m about to move into a new house that I absolutely love, I can play two instruments, swim and not to mention give Nico a run for his money at basketball – nah, I’m kidding, he’ll smash me. All in all, my life isn’t that bad and it’s time I woke up, concentrate on the good things, appreciate my friends a whole heap more, work hard at school, smile like a frikken retard, make a croquembouche- mmm yummy :), wish everyone who’s found happiness all the best as they hell as deserve it and just go with the flow. When the time is right, love and happiness will come knocking. Yep, that’s the epiphany of the day. Ahah. P.s. Hang in there you guys. And smile, you still got me, like you were there for me. Hehe. xoxo LilMiSsPeRfEcTiOn Death’s diary
Wednesday, August 4, 2010 @ 8:59 PM
I wrote this post, well part of it a long time ago, I just never got the chance to finish it or put it up. So here goes... DON’T YOU JUST HATE LIFE? It’s a question I ask myself every day. And almost every day I answer myself – yes. Don’t you just get sick of life and everything that goes with it? I am. I’m sick of the commotion, of having to explain myself to people who not only don’t know me but couldn’t care less. I wish I could escape this horrible thing called life. I wish it would just end. And leave me in peace in death’s arms. Every day, I fight a war; I hover between life and death. I wonder if my existence even means anything to anyone. I don’t want to float through life, I want to be a part of someone’s happiness, change their life for the better and just be remembered. I want to let it all out, how much pain and suffering I feel. I wish I could, but I can’t. Doing so leaves me vulnerable, fragile and truthfully SCARED SHITLESS that I would get hurt. When I think back, there was always one person’s life that I was a part of. It gives me joy and uttermost happiness when you smile, laugh and enjoy yourself. Because it means that I’m not useless, that I affected your life. Maybe I don’t doubt you or how much you love me, but I doubt myself, if I’m worth it. Am I worthy of your love, for you to fuss over, care about, be angry at? You know, it’s so hard to catch you off guard, you’re always so calm and composed, but the look in your eyes as you were told I hurt my ankle and when I was crying over the loss of my ring, you were frightened, scared; not of me but because you didn’t know what to do. You were so concerned that for a minute your usual calmness flew out the window. It’s those times that I’m most confident that I mean something to at least one person. And even know, every time I think back to those moments I get back a little confidence and life becomes just that little bit easier to go through. But I wish, I wish this battle would end, that I would finally find the answer, that I’ll look forward to life again. And I hope that you will be a cause of my victory. If it ever comes. As for the rest of you, I wish I could tell you what’s wrong when you ask, how I really feel about things and what’s happening. However, I cannot bring myself to do so; I cannot subject myself to the possibility of being hurt; at least not now. But maybe, just maybe, I’ll get there.......someday. xoxo |